Home Feelz 5 Horror Movies to Avoid Like a Kick to the Balls (or lady balls):

5 Horror Movies to Avoid Like a Kick to the Balls (or lady balls):

written by Ali L July 10, 2015


Movies are vehicles of imagination; they transport us to wondrous, confusing, thought-provoking, and sometimes scary places where we are willing passengers, eager to see the journey to its destination. There are, as well, some movies so bad, so rage inducing, that one’s very faith in humanity is left in question at their conclusion. Alas, wearied moviegoer, I have felt your pain, and here, in my humble opinion, is the short list of horror movies that one should dodge like a swift boot to the groin.

…and ARG, there be SPOILERS ahead mateys, as far as the eyes can see, forever and ever, into the dark abyss.

#5 The Mist

Although this movie is rather good and the concept captivating, it is a fury inducer that leaves the viewer feeling punished just for empathizing with the main characters. A small town is overrun with a white mist that just so happens to be full of monsters and beasts ripped right out of a Cthulu Mythos. Many of the townspeople seek refuge in a grocery store, to only lose their collective shits under the reign of a crazy Christian lady talking “end of days” gobbledygook and spewing scripture like pea soup in the Exorcist, until the main characters are like “Fuck this crazy shit, we’ll take our chances with the man-eating, extra dimensional monsters!”.

The small group of “sane” people escape, pile into a vehicle and proceed to drive until they run out of gas. This is when an otherwise enjoyable movie becomes torturous to watch until the film’s conclusion. In a heart –wrenching attempt to “save” his son and loved ones from certain death, the main character SHOOTS EVERYONE IN THIER FACES and leaves himself alive for lack of bullets, only to, literally MOMENTS later, get rescued by a bunch of soldiers with giant, extra dimensional ass kicking artillery. If this dude had waited 10 damn seconds his son would still be alive and he wouldn’t look like the worst father since the dad from Kindergarten Cop.  So, friends, if you can’t stand the sensation of being not so gently swatted in the face by the “WHY?!” stick, just skip this movie, or at least emotionally prepare yourself for the ending.

The gypsy was right.

The gypsy was right.

#4 Pet Cemetery

I have to clarify here, I LOVE Stephen King movies, I always have, and when I was a kid this movie was no exception; but now, in my late twenties with a child in a family dynamic, I find this movie intentionally punishing and aggravating, particularly because both of the parents in the movie probably should not have been parents in the first place. Think about it, they aren’t watching their son, he gets hit in a terrible accident, and your first thought as a normal, functioning human in society is to bury him where you know he will come back to life as a corpse? I mean seriously, no parent, regardless of their level of grief, would truly go through with this. At least, for me, the visual after seeing the resurrected, rotting flesh cat, would be enough to keep me from seeing that happen to any child, especially my own.

Also, their neighbor, the old creepy guy, tells dude about the cemetery, takes him with his cat there and tells him what to do, then when his son dies he’s like “Hey, I know I showed you how to bring your cat back from the dead but don’t do that ok cause it’s bad.” I mean, come on, this crap screams set up, and personally, the best part for me was when the little zombie tot takes him out. Cause, it’s kind of all his fault, now isn’t it? If he had kept his big old guy mouth shut, this whole zombie, sociopath, evil alter-ego thing wouldn’t be a problem.

Needless to say, this movie leaves me wanting to punch a kitten square in its smug, furry little face.

This is all your fault.

This is all your fault.

#3 Alexandria’s Project

The first time I watched this movie, I was left feeling like I had missed some important detail, some vital reason this woman decided she hated her husband and thought he deserved torture. Even at the end, she doesn’t give much more than he was a bad husband, so we’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop. She does this to him on his birthday; he comes home to an empty house and a video tape that reads “Play Me”. At first it is his children, then they leave the room and she pretends to strip tease, before all hell breaks loose and she starts going on about how much she truly hates him and about how his not giving her money to spend made her turn to prostitution and that he will never see his children again and die alone. I feel like there is some uber-feminist lesson here I’m missing, but I was pissed for the poor man nonetheless. I was almost screeching defenses for him at the screen and foaming like a pimple faced kid who was just DC’d from his Thursday night WOW raid.

2% of all  marriages end in decades long revenge plots.

2% of all marriages end in decades long revenge plots.

#2 I Spit on Your Grave

This movie is about a woman, a writer, who rents a cabin in the woods, where she is targeted and brutally raped by several men, one being the town sheriff, before escaping and later seeking bloody revenge against them. In most cases, I find rape as a horror plot device rather lazy and uninventive of a screen writer. Yes, it’s terrible, yes, as a woman, it’s scary, but it has absolutely no entertainment value as a legitimate horror genre. And this movie, it almost enjoys the rape scenes, they play for what most would consider too long, to the point that one is left wondering if the writer is trying to play out some sick fantasy for others. Then, after this terribleness, the main character escapes with her life, to come back and kill each of them in, I’ll admit, sometimes creative ways. But, it still doesn’t feel like enough when she’s finished with their ring leader,  and this just leaves the viewer feeling pissed and violated and wanting these jerks who spent like a quarter of the movie viciously raping this woman, to SUFFER for the evil thing they did to her. Don’t believe the hype with this one, several people told me this movie was “so great”; if someone tells this to you, maybe throw the angry kitten you just punched at them.

#1. Eden Lake

This is the single most infuriating movie I have ever forced myself to finish for the sake of seeing it through; a couple is in the wilderness enjoying a camping trip when they are accosted by several rowdy teens looking for trouble. When the husband accidentally kills their dog, these kids lose their damn minds. They capture him, tie him up with barbed wire, the ring leader makes the others stab him in the mouth while his wife watches helpless and unable to stop them in the woods. He dies, but she is finally able to claw and fight her way away from them, only to get strangled by one of the father’s of the teens in a bathroom at the first house she goes to for help. It’s quite jacked up, and these “adults” are pretty much complete pussies against these kids, making for a perfect culmination of rage inducing terribleness. This movie made me want to burn things with my mind; when it was over my husband and I just looked at each other, enraged, too angry to speak, mutually disgusted and bewildered. We sat in silence on the verge of a mass murder spree for what felt like hours before deleting it from our computer and never speaking of it again.

Go to the woods and spend time together she said.

Go to the woods and spend time together she said.

So there you have it, my top five most shockingly tantrum inciting movies and all of the terrible little reasons they haunt my nightmares. Save yourselves!

Are there any horror movies that make you want to throw poo like an angry monkey at your television/monitor?

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